Please allow us to present to you a Hong Kong commercial favorite. As you well know, the weight loss ads in print and on television are not exactly the most tactful, and that’s why we love them. Please allow me to give you a Dark Side rendition of this particular ad:
“Are you feeling moderately hefty or just plain heifer? Occasionally when MTR doors open and release the hounds, a strange phenomenon called “The Running of the Chunks“ (definition #3) occurs. The MTR Corporation has been receiving numerous complaints of injuries, trampling of children being the most common. As a result, we are starting up a new program titled “Calling All Fatties“ which entails handing out HK$ 1,000 coupons for the Perfect Shape Weight Loss Clinic! Call now and trample one last time to receive your redeemable coupon and begin your journey of weight loss, ultimately saving children all over Hong Kong. In just seconds, the fat will melt right off to reveal the body of a 12 year old girl, harmoniously matching body and brain. You’ll no longer be fat, you’ll be prepubescent!”
Ok, perhaps the Chinese translation is a bit off, but we like to think it’s pretty close. Run chunks, run!
Today the South China Morning Post features an interesting article about ‘haunted homes’ in Hong Kong. It talks about the difficulties that come with sales of these places, as a history of suicide, murder or terminal illness negatively impacts the fung shui of a unit. And we all know how seriously some take this superstitious crap ancient Chinese energy system. Bad fung shui in turn impacts the market value of a home and occasionally surrounding ones as well, sometimes for decades. Check these two examples:
1) In 1996, a likely to be claustrophobic man killed his wife, three kids and two other tenants with poison and gas in his 492 sf flat. Since then, the place has been sold a few times, yet almost every time the selling price was lower than the previous one. Current value? HK$ 350,000, 70% lower than the price for similar units in the same building.
2) Last month a 752 sf unit at Kornhill was sold for HK$ 3.7 million, 20% below market price. Why? Because it faced a flat in which a woman murdered her hubby while he was slurping up his congee in 1988. She beat him to death with a hammer, cooked his parts and threw the remains in a garbage bin. And since this is all kinda nasty, it apparently affected the fung shui of the entire fucking block.
SMCP further reports that our banks keep lists of ‘haunted homes’ and make sure interested buyers do not get a mortgage for these places. Who would wanna buy them anyway? Guys like Chan Ying-kai, experienced investor in homes with a dark history. His priceless advice? Only invest in units that have dropped 40-50% in value compared to similar ones, and then find the right sucker to sell it to:
“Wait for the right partners (…) such as Christians or gweilos.“
A few weeks ago we focused on a grave injustice involving a new bar on Bonham Road which cannot open due to heavy objections of locals. Judging from pictures like this one, we can now safely assume The Blue Goose is dead as a Dodo. Sniff.
Last Friday we introduced you to Willy P, a retired rockstar living large in Hongkers. Here’s another peak into the envious lifestyle of our ladies magnet, this time junkin’ it up with a San Miguel in front of a marvelously diverse HK skyline:
Hello readers! Please forgive us for dwelling on military parades and -oddly enough- AWACS planes, but we simply couldn’t resist the irony of the following. Turns out that on the day the naughty president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, left for New York to attend the 64th UN General Assembly, a rather embarrassing incident took place for the country that threatened it could crush any aggressor.
Earlier this week, Iran’s sole AWACS (Airborne Warning and Control System) crashed with an F-5E Tiger II fighter during a military parade that marked the anniversary of the start of the 1980-88 Iran-Iraq war. The loss is quite a shock to the Iranian authorities, as they needed the Russian modified, originally Iraqi (?) built plane to monitor Iranian airspace. It gets better worse though: it’s reported that the flaming remains of both aircrafts landed on and around the mausoleum burial site of the Islamic Revolution’s founder and über hatebeard, Ruhollah Khomeini.
Now it’s probably only a matter of time before the Iranians blame the Zionist imperialistic pigs of Israel for this multibillion Rial fuck-up. And who knows, Mossad agents may still be cracking up holding their remote controls. Perhaps the UN is willing to grant Ahmadinejad a new radar plane that actually does detect other stuff in the air, insha’Allah!
It’s time once again for the Beijing Olympics 60th Anniversary of Communism in China Parade Extravaganza! That’s right, after the moderately successful “coming out” party last August, the Chinese are attempting showcase number two to show the world just how awesome they’ve become. The only difference is that this time Beijing is not f*cking around. Replace those lovable Olympic mascots with a set of Type 99G Tanks complete with 125mm smoothbore cannon with autoloader, throw in a few DF-31A ICMB long range attack cruise missiles and spice things up with a few KJ-2000 AWACS in the air and you’ve got yourself one heck of a party! (male readers, check out this to make you grunt like Tim the tool-man Taylor)
This parade is a good opportunity for China to show America the world that they mean business. By unveiling some new and impressive toys, the Middle Kingdom sends a clear message that it has counterstrike capabilities and if necessary will retaliate and obliterate. Heck, they may even give India an asswhooping sooner than expected just to prove it.
A special treat will be the marching of the female PLA soldiers, as the CCP figured a little TNA never hurt nobody. Unfortunately the female fighter pilots will be covered from head to toe in dykey gear, but these cute uniforms are certainly applauded. Including these women in the march is a very significant move. Foreign military strategists have concluded that the Chinese are now using female fighters as a defense tactic to distract the enemy. The powder blue girls will erupt in a giggle frenzy to show that they are a non-threat, causing the enemy to drop their weapons. At that precise moment, the female pilots will fly overhead killing the enemy troops, spitefully including the powder blue girls just to stop the incessant giggling and out of jealousy for getting the better outfit. And then all that practice for perfect steps will be for nothing.
How perfect are these steps supposed to be? It appears a strict 116 steps per minute policy has been adopted, and each step has to be exactly 75 cm. If any soldier has the misfortune of taking only 115 paces, or steps of more/less than 75 cm, the poor soul will be run over ”Tiananmen style” by one of the shiny new tanks. And since the Chinese value their traditions, you betcha Mao’s grandson -the youngest, most ambitious general in the military- will be watching.
All world citizens have a history of loving attention, yet it appears that the women people of this town are exceptionally gifted at throwing the most retarded tantrums. These tantrums could literally be caused by anything, whether it’s for example missing a flight or not getting your shark’s fin soup. Here’s a guide on how to get noticed:
Step 1: Find something trivial that others would usually say “oh well”, or “shucks” to.
Step 2: Proceed to throw a humongous hissy fit for a few minutes and continue to writhe on the ground and yell at the top of your lungs.
Step 3: Make sure there is somebody there to film you for our amusement and condescending judgement.
Works everytime. Just look at this video of a middle aged “lady” who thought it would be clever to smoke a cig on her balcony and then hopefully be ballsy enough to jump. It goes without saying that once you watch it, you will understand the bullshit that our public servants go through on a daily basis.
Some have suggested the firefighters in question were overly physical and rude to this mentally disturbed woman. Others would give them kudos for courageously risking their lives and smacking that bitch up. We’ll leave it up to you to guess where we stand.
