It’s time once again for the Beijing Olympics 60th Anniversary of Communism in China Parade Extravaganza! That’s right, after the moderately successful “coming out” party last August, the Chinese are attempting showcase number two to show the world just how awesome they’ve become. The only difference is that this time Beijing is not f*cking around. Replace those lovable Olympic mascots with a set of Type 99G Tanks complete with 125mm smoothbore cannon with autoloader, throw in a few DF-31A ICMB long range attack cruise missiles and spice things up with a few KJ-2000 AWACS in the air and you’ve got yourself one heck of a party! (male readers, check out this to make you grunt like Tim the tool-man Taylor)

This parade is a good opportunity for China to show America the world that they mean business. By unveiling some new and impressive toys, the Middle Kingdom sends a clear message that it has counterstrike capabilities and if necessary will retaliate and obliterate. Heck, they may even give India an asswhooping sooner than expected just to prove it.

A special treat will be the marching of the female PLA soldiers, as the CCP figured a little TNA never hurt nobody. Unfortunately the female fighter pilots will be covered from head to toe in dykey gear, but these cute uniforms are certainly applauded. Including these women in the march is a very significant move. Foreign military strategists have concluded that the Chinese are now using female fighters as a defense tactic to distract the enemy. The powder blue girls will erupt in a giggle frenzy to show that they are a non-threat, causing the enemy to drop their weapons. At that precise moment, the female pilots will fly overhead killing the enemy troops, spitefully including the powder blue girls just to stop the incessant giggling and out of jealousy for getting the better outfit. And then all that practice for perfect steps will be for nothing.

How perfect are these steps supposed to be? It appears a strict 116 steps per minute policy has been adopted, and each step has to be exactly 75 cm. If any soldier has the misfortune of taking only 115 paces, or steps of more/less than 75 cm, the poor soul will be run over ”Tiananmen style” by one of the shiny new tanks. And since the Chinese value their traditions, you betcha Mao’s grandson -the youngest, most ambitious general in the military- will be watching.