LOLOLOL. Yesterday, The Standard presented another not-so-shocking example of how utterly moronic spiritual some people in this town are. Here’s the skinny: 19-year-old model seeks a Fung Shui master to perform some voodoo magic and make her a star. Model’s manager finds a middle-aged bulldozer driver by day/Fung Shui master by night who informs them that he can make the girl famous, but that some of the rituals may be sexual in nature. Rising model agrees to rising cock and consents to condomless copulation, not once, but eight fucking times before she begins to suspect something dodgy may be at play. Deciding that she better not mess around with the magic, she does bulldozer man one more time for good measure and throws in some HK$ 200 lai see money as well. After the retard victim becomes pregnant, she decides that the whole operation is suspect and presses charges. Now the master has been arrested and a hearing is underway as we speak.

The Dark Side strongly advocates giving the man in question, Au Yeung, a medal instead of a record. A 55-year-old working class schmuck not only nails a 19-year-old model NINE TIMES, he gets her to pay for it! Throw in a video camera and some excessive body hair and we’ve got ourselves our own Chinese version of Ron Jeremy. Either way, this case could be easily solved since there is only one real question to ask. Has this young girl, in fact, become a starlet? If the answer is yes, case closed. The Fung Shui obviously worked and she got what she paid for, and then some! But if the prosecution insists on removing someone from society, this now 21-year-old would seem a more suitable target. On grounds of sheer stupidity.

Our growing popularity in this town correlates nicely with the number of tips we receive about people or organizations that deserve a virtual can of whoopass. Who would have thought Hong Kong is full of vindictive individuals who’d happily submit dirt on (former) lovers, friends, colleagues and employers? That was a rhetorical question by the way.

This time we’d like to bring to your attention an 80-year old fossil named Ted Thomas (real name: Thomas Edward Juson). Ted is a veteran PR man who was born in Britain but has lived in Hong Kong for the past decades. In 1973 he founded Corporate Communications Ltd (CCL), a media consultancy firm, and before that the man worked as a broadcaster and Head of Publicity and Promotions at the Government Information Services Department. Seems like a rather distinguished gentleman right?

Wrong. Teddy likes to take money from even older ladies and not pay it back. The victim is miss Clare Hollingworth, who is 98 years old as we speak. This extraordinary woman has had a long career in international journalism that began and ended with The Daily Telegraph, by which time she was in her seventies. What is she best known for? Oh.. Just the discovery of the German invasian of Poland in 1939, the beginning of fucking WWII.

There seems to be more shady stuff though. On the website of Corporate Communications Ltd., we can have a look at the firm’s current client list. These 12 clients include at least one organization that Ted actually founded himself (The Wig & Pen Club), which is slightly dubious, but can be forgiven. More interesting though is the fact that this list contains two charities. One of them is the World Children’s Fund (WCF), which is also rather notorious for its murky dealings. This is a charity that for example claims to double the value of your donations, while conveniently not revealing how this awesome trick is performed. The WCF was founded by a guy named Joseph Lam. Who?

“Mr. Lam is one of the outstanding humanitarians in the world. He was born in Hong Kong, China and immigrated to the United States in 1966. In 1982, he had a life-changing encounter with Mother Teresa in Calcutta, India. Eventually, this personal meeting led him to devote his life to helping others, especially needy children. In the mid-90s, he started his first children’s project and later that year incorporated World Children’s Fund in the USA. Since then, he has traveled the world helping local leaders set up local WCF-style organizations, which work together informally through the WCF Global Care and Share Network. Read more about Joseph Lam’s life in our History section.”

Our humble recommendation? Run away as fast as you can from people who take money from (very) old ladies and never donate to a charity that doesn’t tell you where the money goes and was inspired by another old lady who once claimed abortion was the greatest threat to world peace. The Dark Side at your service.

According to a survey by the free-market think-tank the Legatum Institute, Hong Kong is the 18th best place to live. Above Spain and Slovenia (?), but below France and even Japan, a country which has a Wikipedia page dedicated to its suicide problem. See top 20 here. The results are based on data for economic growth with ratings for democracy, social provision, happiness and quality of life. Hey Donald, you paying attention?

Done hiking, cleaning the graves of your ancestors and burning them paper cash? Good, then it’s time for the more important things in life again. Let us present to you Yao Yao (or better known in Cantonese as Yiu Yiu)! Ahhh yes, another ridiculous music video exploiting the child-like qualities of Asian women and making us feel ashamed for getting that funny feeling down below when we watch it. Our newest Leng-mo (Cantonese slang for pseudo models, “mo” meaning “model” – Canto Lesson #1 compliments of the Dark Side) might soon be giving our beloved Chrissie a run for her money:

In her corner she has a tragic story from which she rose and overcame, with the help of her huge knockers. When her father passed away two years ago, Yao Yao saw an opportunity to finally use her breasts as her golden ticket to fame.

Yao Yao confirms the stereotype that Taiwanese women are cuter and have bigger tits than other Asian women, something we already knew through our recent thorough research. Still not convinced? In your face. It also helps that in her new music video, the chorus boasts the lyrics “Du Du Du Du Du Lu”, which seems frighteningly similar to the Cantonese word “Diu” meaning “Fuck” (Canto lesson #2, compliments of the Dark Side). Coincidence? We think not! Lyrics of “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck…” complemented by Yao Yao jumping on her bed in her underwear indeed make a killer combo if you’d ask us. Her father would be so proud, God rest his soul.

As unapologetically ashamed as you may feel for jerking off to this video, don’t be – Yao Yao’s success has supported her entire family, including her two siblings in primary school. But as heart-warming as this is, we all know there is a certain controversy with these pseudo models and the issue of female exploitation. So, here at the Dark Side, we’d like to take a stand against Asian female exploitation to redeem Yao Yao’s reputation and stolen innocence here, here, here and here. She has become quite a success and perhaps it’s not a product of her bountiful endowment but rather a testament to the songbird quality of her voice. In a terrible English translation, she is described as the perfect model for video games “with the so-called “Tong Yan Boobs” characteristics Yao Yao that, with beautiful appearance, fluency of the mouth…”

Our point exactly.

Fantastic piece of propaganda on page three of today’s SCMP. A half page sponsored feature addresses the benefits that the Express Rail Link (XRL) is supposed to bring us by connecting Hong Kong Kong with Guangzhou and other cities in the mainland by 2015. An excerpt:

‘It’s 6:30 a.m. on the morning of October 15, 2015. Hong Kong businessman Alex Cheung folds up his newspaper, settles back into his seat in the air-conditioned comfort of the train carriage, flips open his laptop and starts his working day. The high speed train eases out of West Kowloon precisely on time. As he downloads his emails, football fan Mr. Cheung reflects on the fact that he will arrive in Guangzhou in just 48 minutes – just three minutes more than it takes his beloved Arsenal to play one half of a match.

As he steps off the train, Mr. Cheung waves across to a group of accountant friends from his company’s Guangzhou office on the opposite platform, preparing to board a train for one of their twice-weekly Hong Kong meetings. The time is still only 7.18 am. Back in Central, a city is slowly waking – and yet here at the New Guangzhou Station, one of the largest passenger station(s.. typo!) in Asia, the heart of an extraordinary nationwide network connecting all major mainland cities of China is beating fast.

Now why would the MTR Corporation have to resort to this? Ah yes, probably because of the recent storm of negative publicity for the project, specifically regarding the outrageous bill that comes with it and the fact that the New Guangzhou Passenger station is located 30-45 minutes from the city center. Well, at least that explains why our Arsenal fan has to depart Hong Kong at 6:30 am. Oh, and did we mention that a 50-year-old Choi Yuen Village in Sheung Shui would have to be demolished to make way for this railway?

Apart from the pathetic attempt to connect with all football lovers in this town, we wonder why the MTR corporation finds it necessary to diss one of the most vibrant cities in the world by stating that we’re ’slowly waking’ at fucking 7.18 am when a suburb of Guangzhou is bustling with activity (read: forced to commute for another 45 minutes). There’s more though: LKF mastermind Allan Zeman is quoted saying he is considering a new LKF in Guangzhou because of the Express Rail Link.

Sure Allan, we’d love to travel to West Kowloon, take a train for 48 minutes and commute to the city center for another 45 minutes so that we can find ourselves among intoxicated expats, tourists and now also mainlanders singing along with ‘Living On a Prayer.’ FAIL.