Piero Lorenzoni has the best job on the planet, as he is a boner-fide sex researcher from Italy who gets to touch boobies. One of the claims he makes on the basis of his -no doubt- thorough research is that a woman’s breasts tell a lot about her character. To reach this conclusion, Lorenzoni has categorized breast types according to fruit, e.g. melons, pineapples, lemons, grapefruits, oranges, cherries and pears. Did you for example know that large, melon shaped hooters indicate that the owner’s personality will be very motherly with a lackluster need for sex, whereas lemon shaped titties mean that the girl in question is full of life and can laugh at herself? That’s what we thought…

We can appreciate the man’s research, as the great minds here at The Dark Side work incredibly hard to keep breasts permanently ingrained in our skulls. At the same time we cannot ignore the fact that Lorenzoni’s research was carried out in a country were women have features like these (NSFW). Since his findings are thus more or less worthless in the Far East, we have gone out of our way to categorize the following types of breasts according to five fruity treats from the region:

The raisin: these women are known be flexible, smile a lot and enjoy “hair whipping” in bed. She will be endearingly cute, able to make conversation about four different topics (family, friends, food and shopping) and usually wears quite a bit of make up.

The peeled lychee: a woman who enjoys her meals, has a lust for travel, and is likely to wear a bra only 50% of the time. This female is outgoing, confident in her sexuality, but will never be the first to initiate contact. She is likely to love forever, and hate forever.

The dried pear halve: likely to be an older specimen, although the majority of her time is spent looking pretty as the goal is to find a young and stern cucumber to nibble on. The hearts of kind men will be shred to pulp when confronting these women, who are also known to consult plastic surgeons to maintain their allure.

Dried carrot crispy: her female body most resembles a young boy and is likely, a young boy. Steer clear.

The kumquat: this woman may seem erotic as she has something more to show than average, yet you will find she is lazy in bed and will act surprisingly inexperienced. She is also likely to have ‘fuller’ legs, which kinda takes the fun out of dating an Asian. The best match during initial or final stages of yellow fever.

Because we are just simple pervs men and women, and not true and studied professionals, our opinions are just that… opinions. We would however be more than willing to give you a personality profiling based on your breasts. Email pushcartprince@thedarkside.hk for a truly unique, customized and above all, juicy experience!