Ever since we hoaxed the first swine flu case in Hong Kong, it’s become pretty obvious that the piggy cough is a spectacular underachiever. Only approximately 13,000 confirmed deaths globally in the first 8 months of the 2009 “pandemic”.. c’mon. Contrast this with the 36,000 seasonal (regular) flu related deaths per year in the United States alone, and you begin to realize that H1N1 is little more than a sniffle, some Panadol and a few days on the sofa watching Dexter/True Blood/Entourage or -if less fortunate- your partner.

As government fear mongering and mass vaccination programs are quite profitable, it shouldn’t come as too big a big surprise that swine flu isn’t all that, something most media have begun to realize (examples here, here and here). Conspiracies aside for a moment, let’s just come out and admit it: we all love a good scare story… it gives us something to talk about, something to write home about and, living in Hong Kong, something to scoff about. Shit, we survived SARS and bird flu, we snort lines of H1N1 before breakfast out here. Plus, who could forget the great stories about Muslims thinking they’re immune, pathetic attempts to rename the disease and the quarantine of Afghanistan’s poor and only pig (gift from China btw)? Pure entertainment baby.

Now, if only we could get the WHO behind what we predict is going to be the next pandemic to trace its origins back to Hong Kong… the Lan Kwai Flu. It usually only lasts a day, but the symptoms are so horrific that death would be merciful. Worse yet, the only vaccines seem to be marriage or working late, and neither of these has a perfect track record. Until that day, alternative medicine quacks researchers seem to have discovered a great way to protect yourself from H1N1 while not filling the pockets of big pharma: kimchi. And why the hell not? It’s the food of gods.