It’s CNY! As we never hesitate to provide you with guidance and wisdom, here’s a list of things to do and not to do today. Based on real stuff you ignorant gweilos.

DO!

1) Spend the day with your family. Yes, that means dumping your Valentine today and tell her/him next year will be better!

2) Say nice things for a change when you see other people. This could result in Lai See (read: money). Hence, say ‘Kung Hei Fat Choi’ or ‘Sun Tai Kin Hong.’

3) Wear new clothes on the first day of CNY. It’s meant to bring you good luck for the rest of the year. Ladies, that means red panties. At least.

4) Eat ” New Year” Pudding. Pudding in Chinese pronounces as “go,” the same as “get tall.” This is apparently a good thing.

5) Go to a temple and pray for luck and many Hongkie rupees.

DON’T!

1) Wash your hair! Your head is your temple and on the first day, everyone is supposed to be carrying luck. If you wash your hair, you wash out the luck. Comprende?

2) Visit doctors or hospitals! Postpone that nose job or heart transplant. We’re talking about your luck man.

3) Use scissors! This will bring bad chi and will completely mess up this year for you.

4) Talk shit! Cursing is bad for your mother’s health. Just for one day people.

5) Sweep the floor or throw out garbage! The god of wealth might visit you today and you don’t wanna sweep him back out again do you? Fuck no you don’t.

Happy year of the Tiger! It’s gonna be goooood. Have a great year everybody.