Our government, ever vigilant in protecting us from a healthy hazardous environment, recorded a whopping 31 convictions for green bashers during the month of April, HK Government News has reported. We would like to take this opportunity to salute the government’s tireless efforts to root out those who would make Hong Kong an unfit place to live in.

Not satisfied with mere numbers, our pseudo-journalistic skills were employed to dig deeper and learn the details of these crimes against humanity. If there are children in the room, now would be a good time to send them off. The environmental crimes for the month of April 2010, as recorded by the HK government, are these:

13 convictions of waste disposal:
5 counts of massive oral excrement – D’Aguilar Street
3 counts defenestration – Nathan Road
5 counts ruining residents’ dinners – LOHAS Park landfill

11 convictions of air pollution:
All convictions stemming from repeated incidences of arrogant banter spewed by financial professionals – RED Bar.

4 convictions of noise pollution:
3 counts of horrific music – Zinc, D’Aguilar Street
1 count of mind-numbingly awful standup comedy – Kay Ross

2 convictions of water pollution:
Both the western and eastern inlets of Victoria Harbour.

1 conviction of violation of the Ozone Layer Protection Ordinance:
Milfo’s relentless encouragement of teen tanning.

We salute the government for taking care of business. CAN must also be pleased, so maybe this means they can now stop mobilizing seriously underaged kids to do their dirty work. Hurray.