Let us introduce you to local cutie Isis Lee. Isis was dumped several months ago and now has something to say to her ex-boyfriend. For non-Canto speakers, a translation of the best bits can be found below. Hoax, advertisement or real, we say from 0:41 onwards it’s all worth it. ZIP!

“Ng ga ching, you cheap bastard! Before you got me, you did whatever I asked of you. After you got me, we had to go Dutch on everything. Ok, that was still fine, but then you started complaining that my tits are AA cups and too small! And you dumped me because of that?”

“Today, 3 months after we broke up, I want to show you something. Now, take a good look, I have a C cup! Don’t you regret dumping me now? And I bet you want to do me again, right? But sorry, you don’t stand a chance anymore. I won’t see you again and I will NEVER let you touch my C’s.”

“Ng Ga Ching, you could say I’m a bitch or that I have princess syndrome, but whatever it is, you can never say that I am small again. Look at them, they are C’s! You don’t even have a C on your school certificate.”

It’s CNY! As we never hesitate to provide you with guidance and wisdom, here’s a list of things to do and not to do today. Based on real stuff you ignorant gweilos.

DO!

1) Spend the day with your family. Yes, that means dumping your Valentine today and tell her/him next year will be better!

2) Say nice things for a change when you see other people. This could result in Lai See (read: money). Hence, say ‘Kung Hei Fat Choi’ or ‘Sun Tai Kin Hong.’

3) Wear new clothes on the first day of CNY. It’s meant to bring you good luck for the rest of the year. Ladies, that means red panties. At least.

4) Eat ” New Year” Pudding. Pudding in Chinese pronounces as “go,” the same as “get tall.” This is apparently a good thing.

5) Go to a temple and pray for luck and many Hongkie rupees.

DON’T!

1) Wash your hair! Your head is your temple and on the first day, everyone is supposed to be carrying luck. If you wash your hair, you wash out the luck. Comprende?

2) Visit doctors or hospitals! Postpone that nose job or heart transplant. We’re talking about your luck man.

3) Use scissors! This will bring bad chi and will completely mess up this year for you.

4) Talk shit! Cursing is bad for your mother’s health. Just for one day people.

5) Sweep the floor or throw out garbage! The god of wealth might visit you today and you don’t wanna sweep him back out again do you? Fuck no you don’t.

Happy year of the Tiger! It’s gonna be goooood. Have a great year everybody.

Our rich of course spend money on important matters. Did you for example know that 5 of the world’s 10 most expensive car license plates were sold in Hong Kong?  Apparently a few years ago a number plate with number 8 was auctioned off for millions of dollars. Of course that digit rocks as it’s supposed to represent wealth and happiness, whereas number 4 is bad news.

But hey, why spend your dough on boring car plates with only numbers, when a little creativity allows for better ways to express one’s individuality. We’ll be bidding for ‘PU55YCAT’, ‘MRB3EAN’ and our favorite, ‘CHOPST1CK’, at next week’s government auction to spice up the company Beamer’s appearance. See below for some of the silly/funny/cool/retarded results of previous auctions in Hongkers: (more…)

Today Yahoo News reports about a rather interesting incident that occurred late January. Turns out a 24-year old Thai chopped off part of his dick at our airport and happily tried to board the plane home after.

When Ekphala Ploykaew suddenly felt the need for amputation at 5 am, he managed to find his way to the back entrance of Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits and grab an 8 inch knife. An hour later, a toilet cleaner called airport security as he found a pool of blood on the floor in one of the cubicles. As you can imagine, the search for a man with a bloody pair of pants on didn’t take that long. A wound was found on Ploykaew’s penis and flesh was missing as well. He was charged with stealing and received a 14-day jail sentence.

Fascinating stuff. Let’s hope terrorists are not given any ideas by the apparent possibility of finding 8″ knives at our airport just before take-off.

Chinese New Year is approaching, which means many Hong Kongers will make their yearly trip to the Wong Tai Sin or other temples to pray for good luck, money and more money. In addition, our ancestors are about to receive their economic stimulus package through paper stuff that is burned for them, an ancient ritual that also occurs with Qingming Festival in April and Chung Yeung Festival in October.

The practice of burning paper offerings reportedly first appeared around 386 AD at the start of the Wei Dynasty when Chinese people started burning paper money at funerals. It’s also a Buddhist thing, not so much because ancestors would have access to it in the afterlife (because materialistic possessions are totally non-Buddhist of course), but more to alleviate bad karma for those still alive. That this practice isn’t without dangers is illustrated by the fact that for example 60 percent of fires in the woodlands of Lanzhou, capital city of Gansu Province, were caused by burning offerings.

Anyway, as most of you probably know, the pimping industry for dead granny/grandpa has evolved tremendously throughout the ages. Not too long ago, things were fairly simple.. a car, a nice house. But no longer! Oh, and did we mention it’s crazily expensive? Although there are good deals to be found of course, a whole paper gym for a mere NT$ 25k (HK$ 6k) ain’t that bad. You still wanna look good when dead. But there’s plenty of practical stuff too. Hell can be pretty hot, so one of these would come in handy for example. And surely grandpa would appreciate this. Here’s our top ten goods for heaven/hell this season: (more…)

After yesterday’s informative post, it’s time to bring back the unnecessary crap which in no way enriches your life. After Bus Uncle, Crazy Woman Misses Her Flight and I Want My Damn Shark Fin Soup, we present you the latest local drama: “Miss Leggy vs. 4 Eyes Pork Chop: the fight for a guy.” Synopsis: ex-girlfriend bumps into ex-boyfriend with new girlfriend and starts a fight, interrogating the ex for an explanation about her being dumped for 4 Eyes Porky. Classy stuff indeed:

Lines in this fascinating conversation include:

“Who is this? Answer me! You didn’t dump me for this chick! What does she have that I don’t have? She’s got face? Ass? I have done so much for you! I stopped doing all the things you don’t like! Like, wear skirts! Or have male friends!”

“Why don’t you go home and check yourself in the mirror? Do you know how ugly you are?”

“Do you know what is TIMING? You obviously have no clue! Now disappear!”

On local forums the identity of the three characters has of course already been discussed, but more importantly, the general consensus is that the whole thing is a con. Main argument: they don’t swear enough! Canto people do not use such ‘clean words’ when angry. Ah.. we could have known.

After our great hit The Calling Fish, we now bring you another interesting dish supposedly enjoyed by our brethren to the North. This stuff is not entirely new, but we figured most of you have probably not seen it before. But first an introduction. You may know that some older Chinese people have a rather primitive notion of the benefits of certain types of food: if erectile dysfunction occurs, eat a penis. In need of healthier body overall? Eat a placenta. Yum.

Now in our already disgusted minds, it’s not to hard to make a switch to flat out cannibalism is it? So here goes: baby soup! In the article, an anonymous reporter claims that a business man in Dongguan had contacted him to show off a rare delicacy: a soup that costs RMB 3500 a bowl which contains plants, chicken and ribs and the most important ingredient: human fetus. Please note the latter has to be fresh as it cannot be frozen and stored. Quote of the day:

“I am already 62 years old, but with the help of this soup, I can still “have a go” with my 19 year old wifey every night!”

Now it may of course be a hoax. It’s reported that these images were part of an exhibition from a few years back by a Chinese conceptual artist named Zhu Yu. This fella claimed that he used real aborted fetuses stolen from a medical school to create the piece, and that he actually cooked and ate the them “for art’s sake.” Other images are supposedly from Taiwan. We’ll leave it up to you to decide whether or not this is real. If you’ve just had your noodles or curry fish balls, you may not want to scroll down (or click ‘Continue Reading’ if you’re on the home page). Don’t say we didn’t warn you… (more…)