We always knew that Filipinos were amongst the best movers in Asia by a landslide, with even inmates capable of some impressive moves. Hence, it’s not really a surprise that a new tribute to Michael Jackson by these same rapists and killers has received + 1.7 million hits since last Friday already. Unfortunately it isn’t nearly as entertaining as their earlier work of Thriller, where one inmate in particular very accurately plays a girl who is being “thrilled.” On the other hand, this new release has gone for the gusto and incorporated MJ’s choreographer and a couple of his dancers too.
We guess times got tough for the crew after he kicked the bucket and the Filipino prison was happy to help out. The irony of the Philippines’ reputation for underage sex rings combined with a prison-tribute to Michael Jackson doesn’t escape us. But hey, kudos to the guards for giving criminals a chance to shake what their momma gave them and receive worldwide praise and recognition for it. Enjoy.
Some of you may remember your first business dinner with the Chinese in which you were meant to be impressed by a slimy and stringy substance in a bowl. Little did you probably know about the butchery prestige associated with this fine dish back then. Hopefully things are a little different by now.
The shark fin industry is so lucrative that there’s even a mighty mafia run out of Taiwan, dictating affairs as far as Costa Rica. Of course there are many groups and activists working diligently to stop shark finning practices such as CITES, WWF, and Greenpeace. In March a convention will be held about the scalloped hammerhead and whether it should become an endangered species. This species is currently responsible for the most lucrative fins and if listed as endangered, it’s like a special edition LV bag! And hence, will probably be regarded even tastier.
Luckily some of Hong Kong’s finest are making efforts to contribute to the prevention of cruelty to animals and such. Just last week, SCMP reported about a grand celebration of fine wines at the Hotel Nikko with guests including none other than our beloved satirical columnist Chip Tsao. The purpose of the event was to promote an exclusive line of wines and the cases of wine sold at the event would graciously benefit the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Bravo! Lots of money must have been donated. We also hope everybody enjoyed the shark fin’s soup which was served during dinner.
Guess it’s one of those cultural things that can never be changed, no matter how destructive or environmentally irresponsible it may be. On the other hand, if more sharks are added to the list of endangered species, we may be confronted with a much bigger problem one day: an increase in the number of irrational Chinese women. Far from endangered already!
Cantonese can certainly sound like a cacophonic myriad of crass syllables, slapped together with a certain “ching chong ting” ring to it. As comical or annoying as it may sound to the untrained ear, the message behind this vulgar sound can be vulgar itself. Especially if you’re a gweilo in a Cantonese interaction, chances are the words coming at you aren’t exactly translated as “Why, don’t you look smart today?” It’s likely something more along the lines of “Fuck you, I hope your whole family dies while I fuck your mother in the cunt.”
The Dark Side would like to equip you with a quick Canto-lesson, from foreigner to foreigner, so that you may better understand if the words coming at you are vulgar and if so, be armed to fight back with a few insults yourself that will shock the pants off your friendly neighborhood fruit vendor or cabbie. For all of our Cantonese-speaking readers, keep in mind the phonetic translation is not sound but rather based on what the words sound like to us.
Diu - Fuck (yes, there is actually a Wiki entrance for this word) Diu Lay Go Hi - Fuck your pussy Chee Lun See - Fucking crazy Pok Guy - Fall in the street and die
Note: The above is commonly used in combination with other cuss words and can be used in jest or in anger.
Diu Lay Lo Mo - Fuck your mother
Note: Can be used effectively in combination with the previous to express anger, i.e. “Pok Guy Diu Lay Lo Mo.”
Lay Lie Lun Jo Hi Mei-ah? - Did you lick your pussy yet? Ong Gow Gow - You’re acting like a retard
Lay Go Yueng Ho Lan Chat (say this to a man) Lay Go Yeung Ho Lan Hi (say this to a woman)
Translation: Your face looks like a dick/pussy
Chat Lan Mon Mon Sick Tim Tong - You’re so useless, go eat ice cream Hum Ga Chan - Your whole family should die
And since we all know that learning a new language through song is highly effective, here’s a little diddy to help expediate the learning process: (more…)
LOLOLOL. Yesterday, The Standard presented another not-so-shocking example of how utterly moronic spiritual some people in this town are. Here’s the skinny: 19-year-old model seeks a Fung Shui master to perform some voodoo magic and make her a star. Model’s manager finds a middle-aged bulldozer driver by day/Fung Shui master by night who informs them that he can make the girl famous, but that some of the rituals may be sexual in nature. Rising model agrees to rising cock and consents to condomless copulation, not once, but eight fucking times before she begins to suspect something dodgy may be at play. Deciding that she better not mess around with the magic, she does bulldozer man one more time for good measure and throws in some HK$ 200 lai see money as well. After the retard victim becomes pregnant, she decides that the whole operation is suspect and presses charges. Now the master has been arrested and a hearing is underway as we speak.
The Dark Side strongly advocates giving the man in question, Au Yeung, a medal instead of a record. A 55-year-old working class schmuck not only nails a 19-year-old model NINE TIMES, he gets her to pay for it! Throw in a video camera and some excessive body hair and we’ve got ourselves our own Chinese version of Ron Jeremy. Either way, this case could be easily solved since there is only one real question to ask. Has this young girl, in fact, become a starlet? If the answer is yes, case closed. The Fung Shui obviously worked and she got what she paid for, and then some! But if the prosecution insists on removing someone from society, this now 21-year-old would seem a more suitable target. On grounds of sheer stupidity.
Done hiking, cleaning the graves of your ancestors and burning them paper cash? Good, then it’s time for the more important things in life again. Let us present to you Yao Yao (or better known in Cantonese as Yiu Yiu)! Ahhh yes, another ridiculous music video exploiting the child-like qualities of Asian women and making us feel ashamed for getting that funny feeling down below when we watch it. Our newest Leng-mo (Cantonese slang for pseudo models, “mo” meaning “model” – Canto Lesson #1 compliments of the Dark Side) might soon be giving our beloved Chrissie a run for her money:
In her corner she has a tragic story from which she rose and overcame, with the help of her huge knockers. When her father passed away two years ago, Yao Yao saw an opportunity to finally use her breasts as her golden ticket to fame.
Yao Yao confirms the stereotype that Taiwanese women are cuter and have bigger tits than other Asian women, something we already knew through our recent thorough research. Still not convinced? In your face. It also helps that in her new music video, the chorus boasts the lyrics “Du Du Du Du Du Lu”, which seems frighteningly similar to the Cantonese word “Diu” meaning “Fuck” (Canto lesson #2, compliments of the Dark Side). Coincidence? We think not! Lyrics of “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck…” complemented by Yao Yao jumping on her bed in her underwear indeed make a killer combo if you’d ask us. Her father would be so proud, God rest his soul.
As unapologetically ashamed as you may feel for jerking off to this video, don’t be – Yao Yao’s success has supported her entire family, including her two siblings in primary school. But as heart-warming as this is, we all know there is a certain controversy with these pseudo models and the issue of female exploitation. So, here at the Dark Side, we’d like to take a stand against Asian female exploitation to redeem Yao Yao’s reputation and stolen innocence here, here, here and here. She has become quite a success and perhaps it’s not a product of her bountiful endowment but rather a testament to the songbird quality of her voice. In a terrible English translation, she is described as the perfect model for video games “with the so-called “Tong Yan Boobs” characteristics Yao Yao that, with beautiful appearance, fluency of the mouth…”
Much like the bloggers here on the Dark Side, it comes as no surprise that Hong Kong Chinese are racist bastards – they don’t like whites, blacks, Indians Filipinos, Japanese or even mainlanders. Some believe that this time, they have taken it too far. Our beloved Mosque Street is at the source of this issue. The Chinese name for Mosque Street is “Mo Lo Miu Gai”, “Mo Lo” coming from the derogatory term “Mo Lo Cha” (orginally referring to the turbans of the Sikhs and Punjabi Muslims) which is now given to the working-class Indians we see scooting around, delivering us our meals on wheels.
So back in the day, when this street was named, some China-man thought it would be a good opportunity to stick it to those dirty Indians and name the street “Mo Lo Miu Gai”, right next to the temple. Ballsy or just plain ignorance as it is a Muslim place of worship? There has been much debate whether or not the street name should be changed now that the new anti-discrimination law is firmly in place.
We at the Dark Side think that the only solution would be to add more discriminatory street names around the city so that nobody feels left out. For example, Staunton Street could be renamed “Gweilo Gai.” Then again, this issue raises the question of how much pull the Indian population in Hong Kong actually has when it comes to a name change for the street. Or should they just stick to what they do best in this town, provide us with quality, tailor-made shirts? Can our tandoori-lovers exert such power to assert that the HK government would actually give a fuck to consider a name change? It’s clear that there’s really only one clear solution to this problem, go to the source of Indian power in this city. If the Harilela Family doesn’t have a problem with the name, then, no worries, no other brown-skinned people matter anyway.
The 18th of October Post Magazine edition reports that “Mo Lo” is actually nothing sinister, as it was derived from the Portugese “Mouro”, which had become the generic word for Muslims for the Portugese. Yet instead of dealing with this so formally, perhaps the Indians here should take a page from black America and convert the name “Mo Lo Cha” into a common term of endearment, such as “Nigga” (not to be confused with Nigger – which is of course irrefutably unacceptable!).
Trouble envisioning Indian turbans gangsta rapping about life in the ghetto slums? Then just check out the below music vid featuring none other than Snoop Dogg and Bollywood star Akshay Kumar (fun stuff starts at 1:10): (more…)
Please allow us to present to you a Hong Kong commercial favorite. As you well know, the weight loss ads in print and on television are not exactly the most tactful, and that’s why we love them. Please allow me to give you a Dark Side rendition of this particular ad:
“Are you feeling moderately hefty or just plain heifer? Occasionally when MTR doors open and release the hounds, a strange phenomenon called “The Running of the Chunks“ (definition #3) occurs. The MTR Corporation has been receiving numerous complaints of injuries, trampling of children being the most common. As a result, we are starting up a new program titled “Calling All Fatties“ which entails handing out HK$ 1,000 coupons for the Perfect Shape Weight Loss Clinic! Call now and trample one last time to receive your redeemable coupon and begin your journey of weight loss, ultimately saving children all over Hong Kong. In just seconds, the fat will melt right off to reveal the body of a 12 year old girl, harmoniously matching body and brain. You’ll no longer be fat, you’ll be prepubescent!”
Ok, perhaps the Chinese translation is a bit off, but we like to think it’s pretty close. Run chunks, run!
