Milfo- The fruit of a tender, six-minute relationship in a Wan Chai back alley, Milfo was eventually accepted as one of their own by the monkeys of Kam Shan. Discovered by a team of HKU scientists at the age of 56, he was forced to undergo rehabilitation therapy until mastering a profession beneficial to society. Two Michelin stars for his fusion fish ball stand later, Milfo longs for retirement yet is forced to continue writing as long as his triad loans have not been repaid. At the current interest rate and level of income, he is contemplating selling both kidneys.
Johnny Mountain- Johnny Mountain is an ethnically Jewish, Zimbabwe born, professional male fluffer who is best known for introducing the Philips CN6307 “Angel” Ladyshave into China’s tier 2 cities Chengdu, Dalian and Ningbo during the early nineties. Johnny was forced to leave China after organizing a tap dancing contest for disabled Jewish children in Wuxi. He gained permanent residency in 1998 and currently runs one of the largest Vietnamese sushi restaurants in Hong Kong.
Kitty Cougar- Bred in a Romanian brothel, Kitty Cougar was later rescued by myopic Shaolin Monks who mistook her for a boy. For years they raised her on a monastery in Songshan, China, where she excelled in pole-top leaping dexterity training. Kitty knew she didn’t belong when her pleas to introduce bitch slapping as an art form were shunned and her insatiable desire to grow hair were just too much to bear. Running away with a traveling Chinese trapeze group, Kitty soared to Hong Kong and never looked back.
Pushcart Prince- Born at the alter of ascension, where sacred water touches the heavens, Pushcart Prince was raised by a gaggle of geese making their way from the unholy and unforgiving lands of Okeefenokee Swamps to the fertile mating grounds of South East Asia. Adopting what some would call an uncanny ability to detect women in heat, Pushcart now lives in exile in an attempt to quarantine the spread of his offspring. Trust us when we say this is for the better of mankind.
Harbour Hussy- Harbour Hussy is a local Hongkie girl who loves Hello Kitty and Melody, so everything she uses is in pink. Posing with a “V” sign and 3/4 face angle in EVERY SINGLE picture, she loves local gossips and reads all the tabloid magazines at 7-Eleven without paying for them. Her hobbies include making her boyfriend carry her handbag when walking down the street, making him stand around and wait for her when she goes shopping, and throwing a fit if he doesn’t pay for it. In addition, she enjoys gossiping about other people who she sees as competition and she loves to check herself in the mirror every other 5 minutes.
Micky Pickles- The unholy result of HKU’s clandestine attempts at producing a genetic super-foreigner, Micky Pickles is a vision of all that is wrong with Hong Kong today. When he is not fist-fighting on the streets of Lan Kwai Fong, he enjoys making sweet love to your maid in the toilets at the back of Laguna. He is not only personally responsible for the destruction of the famed Walled City of Kowloon, but also the reclamation of two square miles of Victoria Harbour as well as 52% of Hong Kong’s air pollution. Despite this, the Executive Council has chosen to allow Micky his wake of destruction, if only to divert people’s attention from the real problems of the day. You owe him $100.
The Raving Lunatik- In the murky depths near the mainland border we discovered The Raving Lunatik, self-proclaimed king of cartoon porn. Being in Hong Kong for some time, he has so far earned a small fortune by drawing street portraits of people hit by acid in Mong Kok. His dream however remains full time employment as a maid. When encountering TDS, unlimited toilet tissue in exchange for artwork was too tempting an offer. From henceforth, The Raving Lunatik shall be forever associated with thedarkside.hk.
Rickamarole- A drug-mule-turned-copy-watch-salesman, Rickamarole is all too familiar with life on the fringe. But it wasn’t always that way. Just three years ago he was awarded the Grand Bauhinia Medal for helping take down Zebra Chan, Hong Kong’s most notorious jaywalker. His fearless bravery procured a hefty cash-reward from the Transport Department, and with it, all the fame and glory a former tea boy could ever hope for. A couple of bad hands at the poker table however left him with a bruised ego and an empty bank account. With limited job prospects and a voracious appetite for Beluga caviar, a life of crime was his only option. If you enjoy his ramblings, or fancy yourself a new Bolex, contact him directly at themindofrick@gmail.com..
Godfather- It takes a big man to cry… and an even bigger man to laugh at the person crying. The Godfather’s goal is to always be that man… pointing and laughing at all your misery, because you deserve it and it makes him feel better about himself. Little is known about his origins other than that he was born into abject poverty, and has been a social outcast his entire life. Currently G-daddy spends his days revisting all his pain and suffering on all before him in any way possible. With one hand on his crouch and the other on his mouse, the internet has proven to be his medium of choice.
Father O Blivion- His parents’ worst fears realized after an incident with a rooster, a tiny French maid’s uniform and some vegetable oil, Father O Blivion was sent packing from his posh home in London at the age of 12 and soon fell in with Scientologist missionaries in Big Beaver, Saskatchewan. Not happy with the missionary position, Father O Blivion joined the Catholic church where he was promptly excommunicated for refusing to fondle young boys. Disenchanted with organized religion, Father O Blivion found the one, true God -alcohol- and promptly moved to a small, bedbug infested studio apartment in Wanchai, where he lives on beer and chicken feet and has erected a disturbing (and hairy) shrine to Gillian Chung. He can be found on any given night staggering aimlessly between Firehouse Wanchai and the Old China Hand while yelling “universal suffrage!” over and over.
