Milfo- The fruit of a tender, six-minute relationship in a Wan Chai back alley, Milfo was eventually accepted as one of their own by the monkeys of Kam Shan. Discovered by a team of HKU scientists at the age of 56, he was forced to undergo rehabilitation therapy until mastering a profession beneficial to society. Two Michelin stars for his fusion fish ball stand later, Milfo longs for retirement yet is forced to continue writing as long as his triad loans have not been repaid. At the current interest rate and level of income, he is contemplating selling both kidneys.
Johnny Mountain- Johnny Mountain is an ethnically Jewish, Zimbabwe born, professional male fluffer who is best known for introducing the Philips CN6307 “Angel” Ladyshave into China’s tier 2 cities Chengdu, Dalian and Ningbo during the early nineties. Johnny was forced to leave China after organizing a tap dancing contest for disabled Jewish children in Wuxi. He gained permanent residency in 1998 and currently runs one of the largest Vietnamese sushi restaurants in Hong Kong.
Kitty Cougar- Bred in a Romanian brothel, Kitty Cougar was later rescued by myopic Shaolin Monks who mistook her for a boy. For years they raised her on a monastery in Songshan, China, where she excelled in pole-top leaping dexterity training. Kitty knew she didn’t belong when her pleas to introduce bitch slapping as an art form were shunned and her insatiable desire to grow hair were just too much to bear. Running away with a traveling Chinese trapeze group, Kitty soared to Hong Kong and never looked back.
Pushcart Prince- Born at the alter of ascension, where sacred water touches the heavens, Pushcart Prince was raised by a gaggle of geese making their way from the unholy and unforgiving lands of Okeefenokee Swamps to the fertile mating grounds of South East Asia. Adopting what some would call an uncanny ability to detect women in heat, Pushcart now lives in exile in an attempt to quarantine the spread of his offspring. Trust us when we say this is for the better of mankind.
Harbour Hussy- Harbour Hussy is a local Hongkie girl who loves Hello Kitty and Melody, so everything she uses is in pink. Posing with a “V” sign and 3/4 face angle in EVERY SINGLE picture, she loves local gossips and reads all the tabloid magazines at 7-Eleven without paying for them. Her hobbies include making her boyfriend carry her handbag when walking down the street, making him stand around and wait for her when she goes shopping, and throwing a fit if he doesn’t pay for it. In addition, she enjoys gossiping about other people who she sees as competition and she loves to check herself in the mirror every other 5 minutes.
Micky Pickles- The unholy result of HKU’s clandestine attempts at producing a genetic super-foreigner, Micky Pickles is a vision of all that is wrong with Hong Kong today. When he is not fist-fighting on the streets of Lan Kwai Fong, he enjoys making sweet love to your maid in the toilets at the back of Laguna. He is not only personally responsible for the destruction of the famed Walled City of Kowloon, but also the reclamation of two square miles of Victoria Harbour as well as 52% of Hong Kong’s air pollution. Despite this, the Executive Council has chosen to allow Micky his wake of destruction, if only to divert people’s attention from the real problems of the day. You owe him $100.
The Raving Lunatik- In the murky depths near the mainland border we discovered The Raving Lunatik, self-proclaimed king of cartoon porn. Being in Hong Kong for some time, he has so far earned a small fortune by drawing street portraits of people hit by acid in Mong Kok. His dream however remains full time employment as a maid. When encountering TDS, unlimited toilet tissue in exchange for artwork was too tempting an offer. From henceforth, The Raving Lunatik shall be forever associated with thedarkside.hk.
Duncecap- Before the days when it became fashionable to be PC, Duncecap was humiliated and forced to sit in a corner with a, well, dunce cap. His reputation was tarnished forever. He grew up drinking alcohol from brown bottles marked ‘XXX’ and pursued a career creating anvils for angry, unforgiving cartoon characters only to later realize that ACME HK didn’t provide proper dental insurance (the commute into a 2D cartoon parallel reality was also a killer!). He has since threatened to wear pyjamas all day and roam the streets offering free hugs. With the self-proclaimed nickname ‘BadPorn’, he’s one of those trainwrecks, you can’t afford not to look at.
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