You are undoubtedly excited about the upcoming Xiamen International Cow Parade. Who wouldn’t be, as cows are awesome. A few days ago about 50 designs got picked out of a 100 that were submitted for this totally cultural event. With those odds it doesn’t seem too hard to have your own cow grazing in the streets one day, which is probably what a very talented designer from Hong Kong figured when he submitted his masterpiece, The Bruce Lee Cow:

An instant classic we say, with the “udder penis” as its most interesting feature. Of course the fact that a cow would have slight troubles holding nunchuks is only something a fussy cow-anatomy freak would point out. The Xiamen International Cow Parade is jointly held by Xiamen and Taiwan this year and starts next month. Speaking of horns by the way, the Tibetan rumors are true after all: Satan lives in China!

The female boss laughed scornfully: There are no clients, we are the only ones in this house. Come, tonight I’m yours. I didn’t know how to respond, only dumbstruck and looking at her stupidly. The female boss saw that I wasn’t responding and continued to say: Xiao Zhao, if you’re with me, the company’s deputy chief position is yours, I will also give you a BMW.

From ChinaSMACK.

The Dark Side wishes all females a fantastic day. Especially those poor leftover ones who just can’t seem to find that tall Mr. Right with a master’s degree, well-paid job and gentle character. Have a good one!

Residents of HK have for years looked at the backs of scrawny boys and wondered “potentially fit girl or malnourished, scrawny dude?” only to discover a nasty little shock after following them around a couple of blocks. And now there is proof! A popular book in China titled Save the Boys by author Sun Yunxiao argues that boys in China grow up in a predominantly female environment and hence, emulate dudes like these. Luckily this development is counterbalanced by the Chingstah phenomenon. And if that doesn’t work, well, toys like these do wonders in reducing the self-perception of neighbors’ testicle sizes.

Which brings us to an interesting point, namely the fact that China’s enemy/ally India has started to gloat over China’s “sissy” situation, judging from this article on one of India’s news sites. Is India firing shots at China? Not too surprising, considering the two countries’ dispute over their border region and that annoying Dalai Lama. What should we do? Maybe airdrop large condoms but mark them as small? Hmmm… Regular ones would probably do the trick:

HA! Our average size is far from impressive, but yours is even tinier, making it the SMALLEST IN THE WORLD. So India, just follow the Brits, like in the old days. And let us get back to our own problems.

This morning Taiwan was struck by an earthquake of magnitude 6.4 on the Richter scale. Reports so far mention 11 people being injured and no fatal casualties. The epicenter of the quake was in the mountains northeast of the city of Kaohsiung at a depth of 5 km.

Hence, not exactly a Haiti or Chile-like disaster it seems, yet only 11 years ago a quake measuring 7.3 killed approx. 2,400 people and destroyed/damaged 50,000 buildings on the island. As usual, we were slightly amused by Xinhua’s -the PRC’s official press agency- depiction of the situation, referring to the island as China’s Taiwan:

Soon you’ll be able to travel from and between Hong Kong, Shenzhen, Macau and Guangzhou by a Canadian built DHC-6 Twin Otter, a.k.a. as a floatieplane:

Cheaper than the helicopter, more expensive than eco-friendlier alternatives like the dull ferry and train. Waterfront Air aims to have at least four of these babies available by the end of this year.

Today the ginormous aircraft carrier USS Nimitz arrived in Hong Kong, along with its supporting fleet of ships and 5680+ crew members on it. Now as you probably know, a “lost weekend” in this city can refer to only two things:

1) Getting blackout drunk and ending up in jail/hospital.
2) American Navy displaces your bar stool at any number of shady fine establishments.

Because of the recent arms deal between the U.S. and Taiwan, China got upset and threatened with all kinds of nasty things. Hence, by allowing Wan Chai to be flooded by thousands of horny sailors, it’s easy to conclude the Chinese are pussies who bark but don’t bite. Of course, our strip clubs aren’t complaining. But us Dark Siders expect there’s more than meets the eye. It wouldn’t be the first time our mainland amigos deceive the gullible world with a seemingly friendly gesture. With Obama about to meet the Dalai Lama and the inevitable abuse by Beijing that will follow, letting the USA park here can only be considered a genius PR move. Us Commies are peaceful, you Yanks provoke!

But anyway, back to the Nimitz. Our town is a favorite port-of-call for U.S. Navy sailors. Hence, be warned ladies, single and taken, large and small: lots of American se(a)men are/is going to be all over you the coming few days.

Those of you that have been here for a while would remember an interesting murder case involving expats and milkshakes in Hong Kong. Nancy Kissel was accused of bludgeoning her investment banker husband to death in 2003 after giving him a cocktail of drugs. She claimed to have killed him in self-defense, testifying that she suffered years of abusive sex and he was a coke addict. Unfortunately for her that didn’t cut it: she was convicted of premeditated murder and sentenced to life in prison

Last week, Hong Kong’s top court overturned her 2005 conviction for killing her husband, ruling that hearsay evidence on her intent to kill and cross-examination on bail material made her original trial unfair. Erm.. WTF? In her first appeal, which she lost, the court called it as cogent a case of murder as might be imagined. Court statements don’t get any bolder than this. Yet apparently, very obvious mistakes have been made.

It’s worthwhile to note that in Hong Kong, roughly 75% of not-guilty pleas end in a conviction. In England for example, that figure is less than 8%. This has made one prominent HK lawyer, Clive Grossman, compare Hong Kong’s rate of conviction to North Korea’s: “An arrested person is, statistically, almost certain to face imprisonment.”

Even though Nancy admitted killing her husband, the fact that she appears to have gotten an unfair trial is a serious blow to our judiciary system’s reputation. On the other hand, we are part of China of course. Luckily we can find comfort in the fact that other places in Asia are even more messed up. For those holding a grudge against bankers too, here’s a more innocent way to relieve the frustration.