It’s summer again and hence the perfect time to discuss a topic that we are always enthusiastic about: boobs. You see, the Trade Development Council has recently decided that teen models, including our beloved Chrissie Chau, should be banned from promoting their photo books at the upcoming book fair.

The Advisory Panel of TDC, consisting of 13 members from education, culture and media sectors, was of the opinion that these teen models have hijacked last year’s book fair and that that should never happen again. Members of the Panel however admitted that none of them had ever seen any of the photo books and that they made their judgment solely based on the reports by our trustworthy local media. Chrissie is of course grateful:

“To be frank, I want to thank the TDC. The ban has ensured publicity I could not buy, and the book is not even published yet.”

That means now our book fair is left only with these events. Yawn.

Interestingly, Anthony Wong Chau-sang, the Hong Kong Film Award-winning Hong Kong actor, felt obliged to comment on this incident by calling Chrissie Chau a whore. (more…)

Cantonese can certainly sound like a cacophonic myriad of crass syllables, slapped together with a certain “ching chong ting” ring to it. As comical or annoying as it may sound to the untrained ear, the message behind this vulgar sound can be vulgar itself. Especially if you’re a gweilo in a Cantonese interaction, chances are the words coming at you aren’t exactly translated as “Why, don’t you look smart today?” It’s likely something more along the lines of “Fuck you, I hope your whole family dies while I fuck your mother in the cunt.”

The Dark Side would like to equip you with a quick Canto-lesson, from foreigner to foreigner, so that you may better understand if the words coming at you are vulgar and if so, be armed to fight back with a few insults yourself that will shock the pants off your friendly neighborhood fruit vendor or cabbie. For all of our Cantonese-speaking readers, keep in mind the phonetic translation is not sound but rather based on what the words sound like to us.

Diu – Fuck (yes, there is actually a Wiki entrance for this word)
Diu Lay Go Hi – Fuck your pussy
Chee Lun See – Fucking crazy
Pok Guy – Fall in the street and die

Note: The above is commonly used in combination with other cuss words and can be used in jest or in anger.

Diu Lay Lo Mo – Fuck your mother

Note: Can be used effectively in combination with the previous to express anger, i.e. “Pok Guy Diu Lay Lo Mo.”

Lay Lie Lun Jo Hi Mei-ah? – Did you lick your pussy yet?
Ong Gow Gow – You’re acting like a retard

Lay Go Yueng Ho Lan Chat (say this to a man)
Lay Go Yeung Ho Lan Hi (say this to a woman)

Translation: Your face looks like a dick/pussy

Chat Lan Mon Mon Sick Tim Tong – You’re so useless, go eat ice cream
Hum Ga Chan – Your whole family should die

And since we all know that learning a new language through song is highly effective, here’s a little diddy to help expediate the learning process: (more…)

How much do we pay a curriculum officer working in the Curriculum Development Institute of Education Bureau? According to a recent government job ad, we’re talking about 50K+ per month. What good works have these people done recently? A retarded professional psychological test promoting Chinese patriotism. Although I doubt there are many Chinese readers here, there’s no harm for all of us to try the test! Let’s pretend that it’s about your home country. Ok, here goes:

1. What’s the major difference between yourself and foreigners?
A. Difference in identity and status.
B. Difference in physical build and appearance.
C. Difference in culture and language.

2. If you are mistaken for Japanese, how would you feel?
A. A bit flattered.
B. No special feeling.
C. Feel upset.

3. If you’re to introduce something with the most Chinese characteristic to a foreigner visiting Hong Kong, what would you suggest?
A. Tell him/her that you don’t know what Chinese characteristic is.
B. Recommend the night view of Hong Kong.
C. Suggest him/her to drink tea in a Chinese restaurant.

Ok students… finished? Then let’s check the results. (more…)

While McDonald’s constantly pushes itself as a family central, kid-friendly place, it seems that Mc D’s has proven to contribute to society on a different level: social center. Last week someone captured some local drama as a panicky boyfriend tries to tell his girlfriend that he has contracted HIV/AIDS:

For those who don’t speak Cantonese, here’s a small synopsis: The girlfriend assumes that he contracted the STD from a hooker, because obviously only hookers can be dirty. Meanwhile, he insists that he doesn’t know how he got it. When the chap wants to hold her hand and comfort her, she slaps his hand away, saying: “Don’t touch me, you’re dirty.” Not too surprising perhaps, as we already knew HK kids receive shitty sex education. It does get more interesting though. While we’re all thinking “poor girl, damn asshole” she throws a curve ball by mentioning a 2nd boyfriend the dude at Maccy D’s had no clue about… Oh yes, nothing beats local teenage drama.

Hong Kong is known to have a sexually repressed society with a general aversion to all things arousing. Yet there are plenty of times you’d be confronted with smoking hot women in skimpy outfits, whether you like it or not (oh and if you don’t, you might want to go here instead of reading this blog).

For example, as I take the MTR quite frequently, I’m always grateful for the weight loss ads, you know, the ones where you can lose weight and grow massive cans simultaneously? The outfits are always erotically entertaining and sometimes spur a thought train of what people find sexy, only to realize that I’m uncontrollably gawking and it doesn’t matter how ridiculous the “clothes” are. If you don’t agree, just notice how many men break their stride as they walk past them.

Since we’re going down this road, have you ever taken a look at a local newspaper? There’s a plethora of provocative ads spread throughout the news. And just as I think HK may be breaking through the sexual repression archetype, I read about a ridiculous case a couple years back where someone was not allowed to have the license plate “Zestra” (an American-made, female arousal fluid). I mean, come on…..you can buy a vibrating cock ring in 7-Eleven, but you’re not allowed to sport a plate that may or may not be linked to lube? The repression may stem from a lack of sex education in the school system. God forbid you teach children about sex, love and the dangers involved.

I deduce that this constant battle between sexual repression and liberation may be the reason why Hong Kongers seem to be trapped in a salacious innocence. The man-boys in HK want to make like Italians and give it to them raw, but instead they mistake passion for a room filled with teddy bears and raw for unshaven balls. And the women, well, they should be less concerned with these quirky hand gestures and go for the real thing (NSFW) for a change. And hey, if it’s part of a compensated dating deal, make sure to at least charge more than HKD 200..